


The Tale of the Majestic Rabbit Under the Mountain (As Told by Kili, Soon to Be One Very Dead Nephew)

by darth_stitch



Series: Kili's Plot Bunny Haven [1]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Fairy Tale, Fluff and Crack, Humor, Kili Tells a Story, Kili is So Dead, M/M, Thorin the Werebunny Dwarf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-11
Updated: 2013-07-11
Packaged: 2017-12-19 05:15:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/879862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darth_stitch/pseuds/darth_stitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Kili, soon to be dead nephew of Thorin Oakenshield, tells the tale of the Giant Rabbit of Erebor, his One True Love of a Hobbit and how the Elven-King of the Forest of AAAAARRRGH is a Right Git.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Tale of the Majestic Rabbit Under the Mountain (As Told by Kili, Soon to Be One Very Dead Nephew)

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Inevitable Love Story between Two Oblivious Idiots](https://archiveofourown.org/works/700362) by [Bgtea](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bgtea/pseuds/Bgtea). 



> **Note:**  
>  This ridiculousness came about because of this Post at [The Blanket Fort - Darth Stitch on Tumblr](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/post/55048941179/wanderingquill-darthstitch-wanderingquill)
> 
>  **DISCLAIMER:** If they were mine, we wouldn’t be writing so many AU’s about how they all survived and lived happily ever after. *wibbles* We’re just playing in Tolkien’s sandbox; we’ll put the toys back in good order when we’re done.

  
In a Certain Lonely Mountain, there lived a Rabbit.  
  
But wait, you say.  Shouldn’t this story begin with “a hole in the ground" and “a hobbit? " 

Yes, well, you already know _that_ story and I think we could all be in agreement that our Favorite Cute and Cuddly Hobbit is Quite Brave and Very Heroic.  He’s in this story too.   
  
But first, we need to talk about the Rabbit because this is _his_ story, as well as the Hobbit’s.   
  
The fact of the matter is that this was really all Old King  Thror’s fault to begin with.  Now before other terrible things such as gold sickness and dragons happened, Old King Thror was actually a very good king and was content to rule his Mountain and lead his people in peace. The only thing that worried the King was the fact that his son, Crown Prince Thrain, was taking his time in providing him with a grandson.

It must be said, especially by Certain Dwarves Not Named Fundin, Balin or Dwalin Who Can’t Hold Their Tongues Once They’ve Been Doused Good and Proper With Honey Mead or Ale, that some Mischievous Fairy must have cursed the main Line of Durin when it came to love and courting. Nothing serious mind you – we’re talking _mischief,_ not malevolence. For the sake of brevity, let us just say that the Great Tales of Shenanigans Ensuing When Anyone of the Line of  Durin Falls in Love make for good storytelling especially on a warm night when the ale is flowing freely and thirst needs a-quenching!

Like what we’re doing now, good people.

So – eventually Crown Prince Thrain _finally_ managed to woo and wed his One True Love and it wasn’t long until all of the Kingdom of  Erebor was rejoicing at the news that the Crown Prince and Princess were expecting an heir. Old King Thror was very proud and very happy that he finally had a grandson and so when Prince Thorin was born, he sent out invitations far and wide for his Name Day Feast.   
  
Unfortunately, one of his messengers was silly enough to stop at the Red Dragon Tavern in Laketown and promptly got himself all silly on its Lethal Red Dragon Brew.   He had the morning-after gripes for a solid _month_ and so the invitation meant for the  Elven-King of the Forest of AAAAAARRRGH!!!! was never delivered.   
  
To fail to invite the Elven-King of the Forest of AAAAAARRRRGH!!! to _any_ party was Number One on the Great List of Spectacularly Bad Ideas. In case you’re wondering, _never laugh at live dragons_ happens to be Number Two on that List.  
  
(We must digress that the real name of the Forest of AAAAAARRRGH!!! was in fact _Greenwood the Great_ , but spiders and trees gone bad and all sorts of Nasty Things That Make You Go AAAAAARRRGH!!! now lived there and so the Forest was now known by its more popular name among Sensible Folk Who Know Better Than to Go There.)  
  
Thus, the Elven-King of the Forest of AAAAAAARRRGGGH!!! was Very Put Out on Missing Prince Thorin’s Name Day Feast. However, he came to the party anyway and laid upon the poor Dwarfling the Most Awful of Awful Curses.   
  
 _When your Prince finds his One, he shall be cursed to take on the form of a Great Rabbit Every Full Moon.  And so this Curse will endure, until the Forest of AAAAAARRRGH!!! reclaims its Rightful Name. ___  
  
It must be said that the Elven-King of the Forest of AAAAARRRGH!!! was a bit of git.   
  
I mean, honestly, whoever _heard_ of such a curse?  Shouldn’t the curse be _broken once you find your One True Love?_ But no, the Elven-King had to do things differently and so it was that Prince Thorin spent nearly two centuries utterly curse-free… and he had, to be precise, been perfectly happy to remain that way.

It wasn’t like he thought all this love and courting business did one any good at all.For one thing, it made a person behave in the silliest of ways.For another, heartbreak was something Thorin did not want, thank you very much.

In fact, he’d had much experience with getting his heart broken, though not through falling in love.For one thing, Old King Thror had fallen to gold-sickness and Prince Thorin, who loved his grandfather very much, had been on the verge of even going to the Elves of Rivendell themselves to seek a cure for the King. But before that could happen, Smaug the Terrible, one of the last Great Dragons of the North, came and took Erebor from the Dwarves. And so Erebor fell and the Dwarves were scattered across Middle-earth.  
  
And then the Dwarves went to war with the Orcs to regain lost _Khazad-dum_ and  Thror lost his life to Azog the Defiler. Crown Prince Thrain went missing and Prince Frerin, Thorin’s younger brother, was killed in the battle of Azanulbizar. There was so much loss and sorrow and grief that Thorin did not wish to open himself up to more pain.

But of course, things changed when Prince Thorin met a Certain Hobbit Who Lived in a Hole in the Ground. Well, mind you, it wasn’t a nasty dark hole full of worms and other awful things – this was a Hobbit Hole and as another, better storyteller has put it, that means _comfort._ And if you’ve been paying attention, then you would know that this was the point when Prince  Thorin and his Company of Dwarves went a-looking for a Burglar to help them get past Smaug the Terrible. While there _was_ a Thief (and a very Good Thief, mind you, if He’d be so kind to return my purse already, because I’m good to pay him back over that last bet – my word is my bond,  Nori!) in the Company already, they needed someone whose scent Smaug would not recognize.Someone different, someone who one would never expect decide to join in an Adventure.

In short, they needed a Hobbit.  
  
Now, Bilbo Baggins was a worthy Hobbit Burglar indeed and of his brave deeds, much have been told and sung, especially by the good Bifur.  
  
But it must be said that poor Prince Thorin tried very, very hard not to fall arse over teakettle for said Hobbit. And it wasn’t even due to the curse, mind you. For one thing, Thorin thought of himself as a Dwarf who was far too old for any romantic nonsense. For another, he thought that he had no business falling in love while they were all on a Quest to regain their lost kingdom for the people of Erebor.

And finally, Thorin had already faced loss and grief beyond the count of tears – he thought he would go quite mad if this time, he’d lose his One just as he’d finally found him, unlooked for as he was.

But then, shortly after good Bilbo saved Thorin’s life from the horrible Orc Azog, there was a full moon. And when Thorin woke up – well, let us just say that Middle-earth had never seen such a majestic, adorable Giant Rabbit as Thorin Oakenshield.

Thorin swore a good long while in Khuzdul – including some words even I didn’t know – but after one good look at a sleeping Bilbo who had been suffering from the cold and thus was secretly given Thorin’s furred cloak as a blanket – Thorin accepted his fate.  
  
Of course, it helped that Bilbo found Thorin Bunnyshield…. er, I mean, the Giant Rabbit that was _Thorin_ _ Oakenshield _absolutely adorable.

It must be said that True Love will endure anything and Prince Thorin \- now King Under the Mountain - was happily willing to be a Great Rabbit every full moon, because now that he’d found his heart’s greatest treasure, he was, of course, unwilling to let it go.  Unless, of course, that was what Bilbo himself wanted for love must ever live free.  Then again, our favorite Hobbit - Bilbo, that is - was quite unwilling to be parted from his Rabbit…. er…. _King._  
  
Now you must remember that though a Giant Rabbit cuddling his Hobbit would make an Adorable Scene to look upon, Giant Rabbits will not look kindly on outlaw, brigand or foul  orc thinking that Rabbit and Hobbit are nothing more than easy prey.  Giant Rabbits are fearsome indeed, especially when they wield the Goblin Cleaver and their Ears flop majestically in their wake.   
  
Also, Clever Hobbits armed with Elven Letter Openers defending their mates are equally formidable.  
  
The Dragon didn’t stand a chance against them. Yes, we know that Bard’s arrow ultimately dealt the fatal blow to Smaug the Terrible, but why’d you think Smaug fled the Mountain to begin with? Giant Rabbits and Hobbits are _vicious_ , let me tell you. The Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog was feared for a _reason_ , my friends and the Giant Rabbit of the Lonely Mountain makes the former look nothing more than a harmless kitten.  
  
And thus, between the Giant Rabbit Under the Mountain and His Hobbit, it wasn’t long before the spiders and the Nasty Creatures of the Forest of AAAAAARRRRGHHH!!!! soon fled their Wrath.  Honestly, Thorin and Bilbo will finish the job soon and the Forest will be known as _Greenwood the Great_ once more.  
  
It’s just that Bilbo finds it very restful being cuddled against His  Werebunny Dwarf so they’re taking their time with sorting out the Forest of AAAAAARRRRGHHH!!!! Certain Elven-Kings can just sulk and wait.  
  
 _- end -_

**Author's Note:**

>  **  
> ** **Note:** Now if you lot will excuse me, I need to run.  I seem to hear the majestic bellowing of my Uncle…. er…. the King Under the Mountain.  KTHNXBAI! – Kili
> 
>  **Note the Second:** I admit it, I was suddenly seized with the urge to make this my Kili Muse’s submission to the most Excellent Bagginshield Newsletter being run by Nori in bgtea’s The Inevitable Love Story Between Two Oblivious Idiots.*cackles madly*
> 
>  


End file.
